Bad Question

Done. I finished a month of domestic violence advocacy training. I'm now certified to do this kind of work in the state of Oregon. And I have to say, I've never worked so hard to get a job that doesn't pay... well, besides my current gig. Truth be told I would need to complete this training before securing paid work in this field so... was it altruistic? Not really.

I'm finally ready to talk about the content of this training a bit. The material was obviously challenging and even a bit triggering for me. The hardest session was Sexual Assault and the most hopeful one (strangely) was Youth and Domestic Violence.

I notice when the topic of domestic violence comes up in conversation folks usually ask the question, "Why doesn't she just leave?" I had a number of college professors say "there are no bad questions" but I disagree. Maybe there is no such thing as a bad question in a class but when this question is asked elsewhere it is just a bunch of bullshit. See the thing about this question is that most folks don't really want to know the answer to it. It's really more of a statement, which is why it's a bad question. Internal logic goes as such: We live in a free country. Women have been "liberated." If a woman stays with an abuser then she gets what she deserves! Sometimes you'll even hear folks say this out loud.

But here are a couple of better questions I'd like to ask. Why did HE, when she said she was leaving, bend her arm backward until it snapped, throw her out of the car and come inches from driving her over, then tell her that he'll make good on his promise to kill her the next time she says something like that? (And, statistically speaking, this is when he kills her, when she is leaving or has already left.)

Here's another better question: Why did he wait until she was pregnant or economically dependent on him to start doing things that could be identified as abusive?

Or how about this one: Why did he start reading her emails, reviewing her phone calls, checking drawers and closet after he began abusing her?

The basic difference between the bad question and the ones I propose is that it takes the responsibility off survivors and puts it back where it belongs - on abusers. Also, it makes folks acknowledge the lived-reality of way too many everyday women. It's hard to ignore the fact that 1 in 4 women experience domestic or sexual assault at some point in their lives. Consider yourself lucky if it hasn't happened to you (yet).

This doesn't mean that men as a category are bad, of course. Only some men abuse women and they usually have more than one victim. If you're curious, around 80% of DV or sexual assault is directed from men toward women. The other 20% happens from men to men, women to women and from women to men. Interestingly, perpetrators of DV and SA are not generally angry, raging people. To the contrary, they are often skilled at being nice; that's why it's so easy for everyday people to fall in love with them.

And so, it is not about anger. It's about power and control.