Well... Here I Go.

The following is the attempt of one woman to address the question at the core of every human existence… even though when I began writing I was only jotting down a strange story.

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Do you ever take a question and just sit with it for a while? Not the kind of question that inevitably requires an answer like ‘Which chocolate should I buy, milk or dark?’ but a question more along the lines of ‘How am I not myself?’ (How AM I not myself?)

I am convinced that we do this all the time, even if we aren’t aware of it. About a year ago, I remember saying to Matt, “Hey! I just now made a decision about something but I don’t know what it is.”

“What?” he said, once again confused by my crazy-talk.

“I don’t know… I just made up my mind about something, something inside of me has shifted.”

This happened at a most random time and place, I think we were grocery shopping or something. It was like I had been asking myself a long-term question and – BOOM - one day the answer secured its place inside me. (I just wish I knew what the question was, let alone the answer.) All I know is this - my inner-self made a decision that would most likely alter how I moved through the world.

Over the past 7 years, the time that has passed since Matt’s Dad took his last earthy breath, I have made many such decisions, especially regarding the nature of God and human life on earth. Most of these questions began quietly invisible but have now made their way to the surface of my conscious existence - They got out!

Most of the time I realize these changes when forced to respond to someone’s ignorance. (Okay, I’ll admit to being reactionary for a while there.) I would say things like, “What do you mean ‘Everything happens for a reason’? What is the reason that people are raped and mutilated and die of AIDS and cancer? Tell me! What’s the reason for all of that? I dare you to give me an answer that won’t result in me knocking you out!”

“What do you mean ‘pray about it’? You think God cares about my headache or test or emotional crisis? Please! People are dying right now! Don’t tell me to pray about it! Have you ever prayed all the way through the suffering and death of someone you loved? I didn’t think so!”

What happens when prayer doesn’t work anymore? When solid truths melt into lies?

At some point in my adulthood I realized I was living in contradictory locations. On one hand, I had my real-life experiences and, on the other hand, I had what I knew about God. What I knew about God was that He was all-powerful, all-loving, and that He was supposed to answer people’s prayer. My life (not to complain) has had its share of suffering and sadness, even though it has been full of fervent prayer. I was forced to ask the question: Am I crazy or is God? Or more accurately: Is what I know about God crazy or am I for believing it?

Now, I am not super-intelligent but I know a contradiction when I see one. If God is all-powerful and all-loving then He will answer my prayer. And if God has answered my prayer, He must have said “NO! I’d rather watch you suffer and squirm,” which means that God could not be all-loving. So, I was forced to consider the following possibilities, either God is not all-powerful, God is not all-loving, or God simply - IS NOT.

I began sitting with this question by examining my own experiences… which are the only things I really know for sure. Beyond the suffering that I have endured I am exceedingly happy to report that I have also encountered a loving-force that is larger than I am - super-natural, if you will. I have settled into the comfort of a loving God because… well… frankly, I have no other comfort. I do not have the energy or inspiration to hate a cruel God or to hate the idea of a God in general. (Although, I have spent a few years angry with the God I thought I knew… if only to get back at him for all of his cruelty.)

“So, most likely and most comfortingly, God IS and God is loving,” I end up believing.

My next suspicion was that God was not all-powerful, which was strangely concerning. I mean, if God is cruel or simply ISN’T, I could at least hate God or the idea of Him (again, if I had the energy). But if God is not all-powerful then what kind of God is this, anyway?

Radically re-envisioning God, I have concluded that the obvious is sitting right under my nose… and not so radical after all. I have come to believe that Being all-loving and all-powerful are mutually exclusive forces. It is actually impossible to be both at the same time.

Imagine yourself being all loving and all-powerful over someone at the same time. Doesn’t that strike you as an obvious contradiction? Well, why is it so hard to imagine that God, by giving us Life, gave us a measure of Her power? Like a mother gives away her nutrients through birth, her body never again the same, is weakened. In her image, we were created. In her likeness we have been born. She has shared Her power, Her Life with us. We live in that power, we swim in the amniotic fluids of her earth-womb.

By envisioning God as a woman it is easier for me to understand Her sometimes powerlessness, Her short arms, Her high expectations that we should use our power/Life in positive and loving ways.

My spiritual narrative includes the Life of Christ and most of what I know about Him is his talk about God giving birth to us and about us giving our Life away.

Power... Life is something to share - not hoard.

Sharing your power, giving Life, makes you weaker (and seemingly God, too). This was the message of Christ, Gandhi, and Dr. King (to name the ones who get credit) -- to find your Life, your power, you must lose it. You must be willing to give it away.

How are you using your power, your Life? Are you giving it away… or at least sharing it?

Can you sit with me here? Can we sit with this question for a while?

I keep waiting for someone to lead me… Well… here I go.

Here I go.